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Growing Pains

A huge part of me being grown, a woman, human & myself is spent discovering, healing & traveling my life. I see how transition & change have become pretty difficult without my Mama & siblings nearby, having always been there. I have to rock my uprooting life without them right now, though they're always part of its beautiful blossoming. I haven't allowed myself to walk in my own greatness & powerful spirit (as a friend calls it :)), continuously forgiving myself for failing & falling down. Once, I was so lost & wandering in this world, trying to find my way. I've truly found it. I've heard my calling. My life's so purposeful. Though my greatest triumph, acknowledging & accepting it has been my greatest struggle. Still, I'm getting there. :)

Pain is a mainstay I walk/talk/breath/fight for my loving life through.

I love the beginning of Jill's song "Wanna Be Loved". I be feeling it too strong. "Don't feel no pity for me/'cause I'm going through a couple thangs/life means change/and that's just the way it goes..." For real, yo. If you gon' be sad, let's be so in our respective sorrows together. Cry. Scream. Laugh. Dance. Stomp. Throw air-punches. Be still. Sing. Be silent. Together.

I won't ever discount my Blues. They strum me something so Irie! I am overcome with omniscience. Overwhelmed with euphoric zeal. To keep on keeping on. As I learn how to navigate concrete jungles as an urban dweller riddled with a wide open heart. So succumb to my extremely delicate, tender vulnerability & sensitivity. Worldwide. Universal. I let ALL in. All the way down down down to the calloused soul of my over-wrought soles. I have battle scars on my heart. Each righteously placed by a someone I don't regret nor want to replace or forget. By a happenstance meant especially for me. Every lesson is rooted in me. I never want to lose a drop of it. Its too divine, too resplendent, too brilliant, too amazing, too awesome. Just right & absolutely perfect for me.

I won't be sad for you either. I will only walk with you. Listen to you. Share your tears. Sooth you into serenity. Its a path & journey. Let it never be discounted. Let you never miss a beat of its drum, calling a new light to rise in you.

Ase! ♥

Sexless in the City (A last word on this)

I have written about this subject many times, and don't dig to belabor any points. I wanna share facts though. Of how I alone feel & think about this constant and continuous choice. I am virgin a & I am abstinent. I have wondered if I could go casual about it, as so many Grownfolk do. As like romance, its just something else to enjoy in this all divine Human Experience. So it can be a shared moment & then on to the next. Given the chance, I wasn't feeling it. It's not me. I want to love & be loved by my partner. Be they an intimate friend or my Forever Man. There is a connected commitment to one another where such tender closeness can be shared & be good to and for us.

Some may think/feel, being a Fatgirl, it's insecurity, or not feeling sexy or some other nonsense. No. Its not even fear of the act itself. No moral compass directing my feelings or thoughts, not even my actions. Its truly the raw ass realities & truths its connected to. These 3 -- Pregnancy. Disease. Consumption are the 3 sitting deep with me.

Pregnancy: I am just now getting a hold of taking care of me so fully & truly. I am Representing as a Grown Ass Woman, and still growing, refining, maturing. I cannot truthfully care for any seed birthed from my womb with all he/she deserves from me as the Mama. Not yet. I won't do that to any child of mine. Plus, I refuse to subject myself to sharing a new creation of life with someone who quite possibly doesn't live in the fullness & greatness of his own. I am being That careful. Even with all our forms of birth control, there is no guarantee like simply not having sex.

Disease: Because we are so casual, and quite frankly, as a society, always have been, I fear getting a disease from a dishonest person, unwilling to be careful with himself or me. It's too dangerous to play with. To be lackadaisical about. I'm about caring for myself first & foremost in all this. I trust no one in this. Again, there is protection, but its not enough for me to just have fun with someone I'm not relating to on a deeper level.

Consumption: Knowing the depths & folds of my heart & soul. How my mind hones my thoughts & feelings over someone I'm just digging on. I already know sex would consume me. Sharing the experience will possibly have me so deeply into someone I don't even LIKE! Someone so unworthy, all because the experience felt that grand to Me. Nahmean? Even if me and he aren't meant eternally, sharing that first time with a beloved friend would be quite beautiful. He'd be apart of me & something to remember. He'd usher me into a realm of existence so engrained in Life, in a good, healthy way. I'd be okay to go on beyond my first experience and walk into another.

I am not seeking sweetness & all kinds of floweriness in this. I simply rather not pay for a few moments of physical pleasure with a broken heart/spirit/mind. No matter how good (I'm constantly told) it is.

For now, thats all I have to say about that. ♥

Who inspires you the most?

Youth. My nieces & nephew, they've irrevocably changed my world for greatest. The babies whom my life word revolves & evolves around. All the youth I'll know in my world for life.. they keep, hone, hold, teach, push, pull, recreate, rejuvenate, regenerate, re-energize, renew, have me. Wholly & completely.

Ask me anything