Dear Tarikh (last msg from Universe thru me to you)

You were correct to cut our every tie. As I had numerous times before. Though I'd come back you way again & again, feeling obligated to continuously offer you a chance, while it never felt right or good in, to or for me. That was my selfless act where you are concerned in my life herstory. Because, in that time, you loved me so. Yet I knew then, and even more now, how much you were never good for me. Nor I you, as you require a woman and mate who will worship you at your worst. While I don't begrudge this, I could never do it.

I know you, and loved you (once) for who you are,as you are, in all things and at all times. Still, I lost respect copiously, continuously. Until there were no remnants of possibility to gain it back ever again. I even hated you, which only lasted for seconds, as there was no point for such emotional bondage. No worth or necessary gain in it for my existence. As there is none in my seeking to maintain any semblance of connection with you.

I pray for your truth to come alive and be loved, honored and respected for what is. Let that circle begin with you, and never become undone, especially by you.

You may never read this, and that's of no consequence. For this is my release to bear witness to. Blessings always.

Cynequa (aka "Nequee" to you)

Dear Tarikh (from me thru Universe to you)

I don't give up
let go
Its how I love
as you well know
Deny me as you wish
I don't accept the demise of our kinship
So sue me.

TO BE CONTINUED...

poem for solitude/my sacred space (this love burns in effigy)

for two brothers who've made my day...less.

black men.
brothas.
kings.
in this night, i have no words.
don't seek em either/my mouth is weary of speaking energy into you.
my soul is weary of expressing vibrations.
this giving must pause before my breath of life is weary...

i cannot find the words to say where i am now.
all i know is i am spent.
done with
exhausted of
have no tolerance for
no space to accept
the lesser-than i been given by too many black men
/whom i love, honor and respect for just being.

tonight, i have no capacity for love poems.

Warrior keep fighting/I know you're there (in thought of Blk Men)

This ain't a poem, just a musing of sorts...
It seems I'm continuously asking self:
Where are my Brothas who strictly rep
accountability
responsibility
reliability?
Being the strength, power, resilience
fortitude, magnitude, brilliance
magnificence, rebel defiance that is
the blessed reflection of Divine Spirit
and Light?
The look of a Pharoah, aura of a deserved King.
True beyond belief Afrikan men exist.
I feel you, though I'm left searching for you...
and you alone.

Do you see me? Do you?
Remember this lasting, sweet surrender.

to be continued...

Brethren

Sometimes I just want a brotha
to walk into my life
be nothing more than a companion
for day/for night
for eve
for moment
a cup of Kenyan coffee or oolong tea
for a time-defying walk around space
any space/every space
just a place to discover each other
like land to plant new seed/grow luscious fruits
and plenteous healthy greens
instead of conquering one another
for that, we both too free

...our mutual style.

Wednesday was a worldwind of wisdom...

My day began and ended with such divine righteousness in thought and contemplation. Easing my soul and mind. Check my Facebook statuses... had to reshare 'em to show my train of thought & state of mind through the day...

==================================================================================

"Conversation with the Most High/makes me wanna cry/I wonder why, you wanna get to paradise/But that itty bitty part of you don’t wanna die/So pay attention to my word, cuz it’s the truth/Meditation ease the mind, and brings the youth..." ...my Middle Morning Affirmation. (...if I could over that hump/maybe I will feel better) Blessings & Besitos! ♥

Most High just whispered to me: You aren't here to adore these men, to give affections and sensualties, to be theirs. Just to be There, & take them with you. Your love is a Divine offering. Mami Wata Nurturing & Nourishing. Yemonja Sweetwater. Osun Honey. To be healer, soothesayer, openness & acceptance. Honor & respect. As Sista & Sister; Spirit-Mama & Friend; Comrade & Confidante. only Wife/Queen/Lover to one.♥

"Slowly surely/I walk away from/that old desperate and dazed love/caught up in the maze of love/the crazy craze of love/thought it was good/thought it was real/thought it was but it wasn't love/I just don't know/Where i should go/So/Slowly surely/I walk away from/self-serving/undeserving/constantly hurting me love/deserting me love/you said, I said, we said/but..." ..Midday Evening Affirmation (Breathin easy :)) ♥

To Be a Rubenesque Girl and a Serial Student: A Few Writings I'm Musing

(Those aren't the titles of the writings, just the premises.)

Just wanna put this out there. Been in my private mind for some time, and I feel a sweetness in sharing as I peruse my thoughts in the moment.

I want to write two prose joints. Two manifestos. Two offerings. Shall they become books or elongated essays, I dig to share my word on being a Fat Girl and an on/off Student (since 97, with no BA to speak of to date). I've experienced sizeism, ageism, sexism, racism under the facets of both. Yet, THEY ARE NOT MY EXPERIENCE.

Fact is, I started a chubby girl and became A Big Woman cuz gyros and Chicken Makhni tastes good. Mama said I was a greedy baby, to start (though born a little too small to take home lol). Plus, I've continuously extremely enjoyed sedentary activities -- reading, writing, coloring, painting, vibing music, photography, open wide, endless conversation, research, cultural anthropology, wine tasting, coffee connossieuring. Lol! So much is being added to this daily.

I have no sob story to tell of how I got where I been and am at today. I am on a journey to raising my wholistic health quota in a myriad of ways, and weight loss & resistance (strength training) are a deep part of it. Weight loss is on a vain level now, as I been coming down, but want my body matching my Spirit. Like ol' boy says on American Beauty -- "I wanna look good naked." Love it.

Same for my college career. I never ONCE used academia as my tool to further my life materially, economically, or otherwise. I loved the instant and continuous access to information, schools of thought, ways of life, opposite paths, minds, souls, hearts, cultures, religions, societies...through the guise of different people, orgs and so on. Not to mention books, books, books! :D I've ENJOYED academia in every single pursuit I could in its still way too damn exclusive and elitist world. I gave a fuck about grades and advancement -- and still don't, except to say Imma go for the gold stars just to keep it moving in higher places, get all I need to become "official" in academia. Spend my life teaching my own way afterwards...nahmean?

Sure, I had it in my mind to eventually earn degrees, but it was never a priority. Now I desire to complete a BA, MFA and PhD so I can do things I want to do as an authority in this society, in particular and to begin with. I seek to earn most of my life as an Educator..but being a Renaissance Woman, this will expand in a myriad of pathways of course. ;)

As I earn my keep in the academic world, I want to speak to present and future students on all levels of study, about my greatness (deeper than any success) and how they too can reach for theirs...because of where I been and how I rose to many occasions and became the illustriously radiant Light I am today. :D That would be the purpose of a written work bout my journey.

WE ARE ALL LUMINARIES LOOKING TO SHINE. And shine we do, fam. Welcome to my personal constellation. ;)

Love yall!

Bandele

our beautiful melody became wildly staccato. --Jill Scott

i feel even more compelled
to write this poem in this moment
even more after our separation
because my choices to do without you
do not erase the beauty i saw in you
to begin with.
i wanted to love you
to like you
to know you
to give you everything in me
every growth & evolvement
every time & space
i wanted to carry & birth more of your children
i wanted to be your wife
your anointed queen
divorce never being an option
but first, i wanted to be more to you
desired a thorough friendship before we could be more
to each other
i needed, wanted you to know could we share love & respect
happiness for one another
even if not with each other
unconditional
without condition
a giving so selfless and beyond ourselves
i chose to leave our momentary romances for my own health
my first responsibility being to me
our communication would go awry
and what seems so simple, becomes complex
so easy, becomes difficult
too much unsaid & untold
left untouched & unhealed
broken in this silence we don't acknowledge
to not bruise egos or hurt feelings
that's not friendship
and no matter how much i adore you
i won't live like that
usually wouldn't change my love for anyone
but now, I must be indifferent
to let go/be free of this pained cycle
maybe one day, relearn to love you
and be the friends we haven't been
in this moment, i hope you're hearing me.

February 13, 2009

(Oddly enough, Black Love Day.)

newness.

you inspire me to create a new form of poetry
something more liberated than freeverse
because/ i don't seek to contain you

my new friend

not tryna label our thing
before the kindred we share
has a chance to grow
before/our newness manifests sweetness
with every kiss
every kind word
every mindful gesture you bring

this affection surrenders any walls
we can put up to protect love's we both desire
yet walk a slow walk
to ensure this connection ain't clouded
by heartache & wrong-doings experienced
before we existed to each other.

beaming sun, you make my moon rise

and i refuse to let this freshness go
for you/or me
i'll only allow our growing love to roam
free
for it is destined to return
as you do each day
to our thing
making me mo' better.

love
come
down
on
me
/hard.

mmmmm newness

aaaaah newness

yes
newness...

12.27.08