so i'm letting this love go/and now he isn't a friend.either (and i'm euphoric)

Well family, I'm in such a new place. I reconnected with this man, and felt so strong about EVERYTHING. was even willing to call the future.

but the past 3 weeks have been full of highs and lows. some very low lows. i'd spend too many moments in pain, hurting by his behavior. he felt justified to be distant, apprehensive, not as close because before i'd feel so strong and leave the romantic relation. this happened several times. with good reason, far as i'm concerned. i completely understand his need for that (for him i understood), but i also know i did that choosing my happiness and sanity over anything i could have with him.

i kept overlooking so much that hurt me or just didn't add to my happiness. i didn't even look deeper this time, choosing to be committed no matter what. really? are you really doing that??? i asked myself over this weekend. i was giving us space, but you know whats right and true the instant its spoken in you. i just no longer wanted to be unhappy in any way just to have him.

so i emailed him just now. in the truest spirit of friendship and understanding. and realness for us both. and he didn't even read it, he said. said it was unnecessary. just told me to take care. might as well have slapped me in the face. it was as if he didn't really care about me or my actual happiness, just what was good for him. i thought we were bigger and better than that. true friends...but i guess that was just on my end... but here' s the kicker family....

after the first few days of following my heart and approaching him, and him following suit with me.....he said he didn't want to go back into it, lets just be friends. i was instantly devastated and fought for him. and kept going really strong with it, talking of our future and all that. which is wrong, to me. because we only have THE NOW. i want to love anyone i love for as long as i am allowed to.....and when that love is done, it's done. and i'm cool with that.

and i just realized he didn't even ATTEMPT to fight for me...and has the audacity to come at me this way even though that's ALL i been doing since reconnecting with him??? wow.. that's says so much about the relationship, and what i gave no attention to. for love. wow. i gotta process that for a minute. lol.

well we had some beautiful moments....and then it would go to a hurtful place for me. with his sometimey distance and lack of letting me in. i won't live like that for ANYONE. i don't care how much i love you ....my first responsibility is to ME. i know that so much more in my present days. so i felt, he was right....friendship is best for us. *shrug*

now...i am pretty sure he's going to color me bad, going to make this about what i've done to him, maybe not ever speak to me again, or be hateful. and the people i've become cool with who adore him so may come to hate me or leave me too, i don't know. but i'm ready for all that, because i feel euphoric having followed my heart and seen what could have been instead of wondering for life.

i don't seek to bring him down, just to tell the truth of whats happening in my life. but of all the issues he's had, of the things he's said (sisters in my life have read some of these things, and truly thought i should dropkick him back then LOL) and all that i've accepted because i felt i had to for this love i feel, its a real trip to me i've gone the five years we've known each other taking so much and making it beautiful when it was its ugliest.

thats what love can do....make you blind.

well, i'm slowly surely walking away from this love. it was a long lasting and grand thing at moments. other times, just an extra emotion hanging over me. asking questions like: did i give us a true chance? am i doing the right thing not being in his life, not having him in mine -- no matter whats been? no matter what you've seen and noticed about him? so i went after those questions; and received my answer the world over. and i regret NOTHING. not the blogs i wrote in my happiness in excitement, not the poetry he inspired, no my professes of loving him and committing myself to him. it all had its time, and was very true for me. i love i felt and experienced all of it. and, you know, the pain too.

but alas, its over. its done. everything. the connection. the tie. and not because i say so....but i see its best. there is no love to share when the other person isn't selfless enough to care if you're actually alright...even if its not with Them. (though, remembering his email on being friends, he mentioned me meeting someone good for me in the future...and now is acting like i'm betraying him......once again.....wow lol)

i feel so good family because i went there. and now i'm here. in a beautiful place of knowing my treasure, my worth, my gifts, my everything divine, righteous and beautiful. and not accepting anything less than Everything i absolutely want in this life in Love.

amen-ase. xoxo,
nequa