HERNACULAR

formspring.me

2011-12-28T18:30:00.001-08:00

Ask me questions about romance, courting, poetry http://www.formspring.me/cynequamarie

Growing Pains

2011-12-01T07:03:00.000-08:00

A huge part of me being grown, a woman, human & myself is spent discovering, healing & traveling my life. I see how transition & change have become pretty difficult without my Mama & siblings nearby, having always been there. I have to rock my uprooting life without them right now, though they're always part of its beautiful blossoming. I haven't allowed myself to walk in my own greatness & powerful spirit (as a friend calls it :)), continuously forgiving myself for failing & falling down. Once, I was so lost & wandering in this world, trying to find my way. I've truly found it. I've heard my calling. My life's so purposeful. Though my greatest triumph, acknowledging & accepting it has been my greatest struggle. Still, I'm getting there. :)

Pain is a mainstay I walk/talk/breath/fight for my loving life through.

2011-05-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

I love the beginning of Jill's song "Wanna Be Loved". I be feeling it too strong. "Don't feel no pity for me/'cause I'm going through a couple thangs/life means change/and that's just the way it goes..." For real, yo. If you gon' be sad, let's be so in our respective sorrows together. Cry. Scream. Laugh. Dance. Stomp. Throw air-punches. Be still. Sing. Be silent. Together.

I won't ever discount my Blues. They strum me something so Irie! I am overcome with omniscience. Overwhelmed with euphoric zeal. To keep on keeping on. As I learn how to navigate concrete jungles as an urban dweller riddled with a wide open heart. So succumb to my extremely delicate, tender vulnerability & sensitivity. Worldwide. Universal. I let ALL in. All the way down down down to the calloused soul of my over-wrought soles. I have battle scars on my heart. Each righteously placed by a someone I don't regret nor want to replace or forget. By a happenstance meant especially for me. Every lesson is rooted in me. I never want to lose a drop of it. Its too divine, too resplendent, too brilliant, too amazing, too awesome. Just right & absolutely perfect for me.

I won't be sad for you either. I will only walk with you. Listen to you. Share your tears. Sooth you into serenity. Its a path & journey. Let it never be discounted. Let you never miss a beat of its drum, calling a new light to rise in you.

Ase! ♥

Sexless in the City (A last word on this)

2011-05-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

I have written about this subject many times, and don't dig to belabor any points. I wanna share facts though. Of how I alone feel & think about this constant and continuous choice. I am virgin a & I am abstinent. I have wondered if I could go casual about it, as so many Grownfolk do. As like romance, its just something else to enjoy in this all divine Human Experience. So it can be a shared moment & then on to the next. Given the chance, I wasn't feeling it. It's not me. I want to love & be loved by my partner. Be they an intimate friend or my Forever Man. There is a connected commitment to one another where such tender closeness can be shared & be good to and for us.

Some may think/feel, being a Fatgirl, it's insecurity, or not feeling sexy or some other nonsense. No. Its not even fear of the act itself. No moral compass directing my feelings or thoughts, not even my actions. Its truly the raw ass realities & truths its connected to. These 3 -- Pregnancy. Disease. Consumption are the 3 sitting deep with me.

Pregnancy: I am just now getting a hold of taking care of me so fully & truly. I am Representing as a Grown Ass Woman, and still growing, refining, maturing. I cannot truthfully care for any seed birthed from my womb with all he/she deserves from me as the Mama. Not yet. I won't do that to any child of mine. Plus, I refuse to subject myself to sharing a new creation of life with someone who quite possibly doesn't live in the fullness & greatness of his own. I am being That careful. Even with all our forms of birth control, there is no guarantee like simply not having sex.

Disease: Because we are so casual, and quite frankly, as a society, always have been, I fear getting a disease from a dishonest person, unwilling to be careful with himself or me. It's too dangerous to play with. To be lackadaisical about. I'm about caring for myself first & foremost in all this. I trust no one in this. Again, there is protection, but its not enough for me to just have fun with someone I'm not relating to on a deeper level.

Consumption: Knowing the depths & folds of my heart & soul. How my mind hones my thoughts & feelings over someone I'm just digging on. I already know sex would consume me. Sharing the experience will possibly have me so deeply into someone I don't even LIKE! Someone so unworthy, all because the experience felt that grand to Me. Nahmean? Even if me and he aren't meant eternally, sharing that first time with a beloved friend would be quite beautiful. He'd be apart of me & something to remember. He'd usher me into a realm of existence so engrained in Life, in a good, healthy way. I'd be okay to go on beyond my first experience and walk into another.

I am not seeking sweetness & all kinds of floweriness in this. I simply rather not pay for a few moments of physical pleasure with a broken heart/spirit/mind. No matter how good (I'm constantly told) it is.

For now, thats all I have to say about that. ♥

Who inspires you the most?

2011-05-18T10:14:00.001-07:00

Youth. My nieces & nephew, they've irrevocably changed my world for greatest. The babies whom my life word revolves & evolves around. All the youth I'll know in my world for life.. they keep, hone, hold, teach, push, pull, recreate, rejuvenate, regenerate, re-energize, renew, have me. Wholly & completely.

Ask me anything

If you were to die tomorrow, what would you want to do today?

2011-05-18T10:08:00.001-07:00

Live. So much engulfs, enraptures & enchants my life daily. Really that simple of for me. In living, I love, enjoy, profess & express all around...and those in my heart & soul know whats up well before I go. Which is all I actually care about. ;)

Ask me anything

sometimes revolutionaries hone tendency to sicken me

2011-04-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

we're supposedly about change. about better. about life-fighting & struggling to provoke elevation from all present pitiful existence. we do the work. we bleed. we sweat. we cry. we offer ourselves in the fullest & most direct ways. don't stop til shit is done, and then come harder. pushing. shoving, hoping. wishing. praying. willing. making happen. we make it do what it do. and we make it good.

however.

we can also be the most pompous jerks of our generation. hell, even those of past generations can be pure assholes. we're so quick to disown one another over politics. something as manmade as religion, which we also use to separate. i don't get that. yet, of course, i am unique in this. non-conforming to the usual. the norm. what we all decide is 'right'. in saying this, i acknowledge, absolutely everything with me begins with being completely personal. its who you are. not what you're about, study, read, practice, teach. who you are at the core of your truest self. this is what draws me in & keeps me. this is where i choose to rest inside your journey and walk your path or leave you standing in your Way.

i hope i never become this condescending revolutionary. this patronizing activist. this judgmental cultural worker. with anyone, but especially my People. one thing we lack is patience & understanding. we don't have to take vulgar & disgusting behaviors, actions & words and call it love, or even love it. yet, keeping the open mind & heart to listen, learn, teach, heal, and plant seeds where the soil is plentiful and fertile will elevate us toward the Next.

just saying...

Raheem DeVaughn ft. Floetry - Marathon

2010-11-07T13:01:00.000-08:00

Raheem Devaughn -- Desire

2010-11-07T12:59:00.000-08:00

Giant Steps by John Coltrane

2010-11-07T12:58:00.000-08:00

John Coltrane - Naima

2010-11-07T12:54:00.000-08:00

to the beautiful people subscribing to me (i heart you so)

2010-10-19T03:32:00.000-07:00

a simple quick message. of apology. of thanks. of pure love & respect. i honor you. am humbled by you. STILL subscribed to me, and sista being so silent on the REGULAR! been all over the place, all over facebook. lol.

give thanks for sticking with me. i will be bringing forth more soon. my voice has been silent, used elsewhere (offline), and just Away from it All. promise i share it all soon.

again, thank you for keeping me as you have. i adore you all. <3

Quality Over Quanity - A Supple Revelation

2010-01-16T14:24:00.000-08:00

My motivation to make healthier choices are my niece's eyes & supple sweetness. My nephew's knowing smile & contagious laughter. The promise of the new seed soon joining our family. I don't want to miss a drop of their Wholeness for the next 100 years! Only if its rich, full, indulgently growing & changing, righteous, sweet, delicious, nurturing & beautiful. ;D Lol.

Truth -- I am not here for me. I am deeply and passionately in love with me & my life, but not one morsel of this Human Experience is about ME. I'm here to serve, offer, fulfill, bring, do, build & rebuild, destroy, grow, cultivate, birth & rebirth, continue, elevate, edify, evolve, show, teach, learn, reveal, shelter the Light for its warmth, study the darkness for its lessons. Live my Purpose.

I come to be progress at work. Death is completion of my mission. Being I've been close to my close twice, yet kept alive, my Existence has Divine reasons beyond me.

This is NOT about ME.

My longevity means nothing if my life is not being lived in the fullness it was created in and meant for. I am the Full Moon.

Beyond. Present. True. Infinite.

Untitled (a Palm Poem)

2010-01-16T09:09:00.002-08:00

life is beautiful
and can only get better
after the treacherous storms
comes the glow of iridescence

Present Tense

2010-01-16T09:09:00.001-08:00

we began as lovers
then became friends
as you cared for my mornings
after my nights.
i was no longer your affair
but an evening into flight and fancy.
it seemed so damn easy,
until you decided
you no longer desired my flesh/my scent in your hair
or aura flowering your soul
as it grew wildly in your presence.
you didn't need me to satisfy your hunger
yet begged i soothe your wounds/as your comrade.
love can be so blinding
because i'm here/i stayed
and do so...

Open Letter

2010-01-16T09:08:00.000-08:00

i've rode angry
traveled hurtful
shook hands with embarrassing
and kissed the cheek of humiliation.
i faced off with my fears
softly held my worries
and coddled every tear
...my well has not run dry/but i've given up dipping
for fresh water.
i've prayed hard for days
asked forgiveness/rebuilt trust/and let you know
i've grown & matured.
i miss our friendship
and shared laughs,
but i've said all i can say
done all i can do.
there's a divine purpose & reason
in what i've lost in/with you
its taken me 5 months, 21 days, 9 hours, 30 minutes
and these fleeting seconds to write this poem
...yet I've grown indifferent to hoping you listen.

--12/24/06

The Artists Frustration - A Haraka Writers workshop poem

2010-01-16T09:07:00.000-08:00

THE ARTIST'S FRUSTRATION

I am found in a lost generation
So, within I seek liberation
and find myself soul searching
all the while, truth is lurking
hoping to find a home in ignorant minds
I am the tie that binds
So I nurture my mentality
to whet the appetite of our dry reality
I sing songs of freedom
to redeem what's to come
when I find what I'm searching for
my soul salivates for more
and as I share my wealth w/ our Nation
somehow my thoughts get lost in translation

...that's the Artist's Frustration.

The Lotus Within

2010-01-09T09:26:00.000-08:00

THE LOTUS WITHIN

petals open wider
soft sweet whet with appetite
for more
for thickness
for deeper
for richer
for nicer
reaching for higher
and taking every dewdrop in
opening
for more
i hear the music wrapping new streams of sound
to my silence
She plants a new seed for every open pore
in my supple skin
Mama Earth befriends me so divinely
this love is so decadent
i cannot be selfish with Her
i share the water through the Sista Wit
i grow from rich soil and plentiful root
Sprit
Soul
Mind
Heart
Body
all in sync with God in Me
you feel her?
you see her?
she walking with you
crying with you
dancing with you
furrowing her brown too
on the same mission
from beginning
may this journey
never
ever
end.
release. ommmmmmm. release.

Dear Tarikh (last msg from Universe thru me to you)

2009-11-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

You were correct to cut our every tie. As I had numerous times before. Though I'd come back you way again & again, feeling obligated to continuously offer you a chance, while it never felt right or good in, to or for me. That was my selfless act where you are concerned in my life herstory. Because, in that time, you loved me so. Yet I knew then, and even more now, how much you were never good for me. Nor I you, as you require a woman and mate who will worship you at your worst. While I don't begrudge this, I could never do it.

I know you, and loved you (once) for who you are,as you are, in all things and at all times. Still, I lost respect copiously, continuously. Until there were no remnants of possibility to gain it back ever again. I even hated you, which only lasted for seconds, as there was no point for such emotional bondage. No worth or necessary gain in it for my existence. As there is none in my seeking to maintain any semblance of connection with you.

I pray for your truth to come alive and be loved, honored and respected for what is. Let that circle begin with you, and never become undone, especially by you.

You may never read this, and that's of no consequence. For this is my release to bear witness to. Blessings always.

Cynequa (aka "Nequee" to you)

Dear Tarikh (from me thru Universe to you)

2009-10-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

I don't give up
let go
Its how I love
as you well know
Deny me as you wish
I don't accept the demise of our kinship
So sue me.

TO BE CONTINUED...

poem for solitude/my sacred space (this love burns in effigy)

2009-08-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

for two brothers who've made my day...less.

black men.
brothas.
kings.
in this night, i have no words.
don't seek em either/my mouth is weary of speaking energy into you.
my soul is weary of expressing vibrations.
this giving must pause before my breath of life is weary...

i cannot find the words to say where i am now.
all i know is i am spent.
done with
exhausted of
have no tolerance for
no space to accept
the lesser-than i been given by too many black men
/whom i love, honor and respect for just being.

tonight, i have no capacity for love poems.

Warrior keep fighting/I know you're there (in thought of Blk Men)

2009-05-29T10:49:00.002-07:00

This ain't a poem, just a musing of sorts...
It seems I'm continuously asking self:
Where are my Brothas who strictly rep
accountability
responsibility
reliability?
Being the strength, power, resilience
fortitude, magnitude, brilliance
magnificence, rebel defiance that is
the blessed reflection of Divine Spirit
and Light?
The look of a Pharoah, aura of a deserved King.
True beyond belief Afrikan men exist.
I feel you, though I'm left searching for you...
and you alone.

Do you see me? Do you?
Remember this lasting, sweet surrender.

to be continued...

Brethren

2009-05-29T10:49:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I just want a brotha
to walk into my life
be nothing more than a companion
for day/for night
for eve
for moment
a cup of Kenyan coffee or oolong tea
for a time-defying walk around space
any space/every space
just a place to discover each other
like land to plant new seed/grow luscious fruits
and plenteous healthy greens
instead of conquering one another
for that, we both too free

...our mutual style.

Wednesday was a worldwind of wisdom...

2009-05-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

My day began and ended with such divine righteousness in thought and contemplation. Easing my soul and mind. Check my Facebook statuses... had to reshare 'em to show my train of thought & state of mind through the day...

==================================================================================

"Conversation with the Most High/makes me wanna cry/I wonder why, you wanna get to paradise/But that itty bitty part of you don’t wanna die/So pay attention to my word, cuz it’s the truth/Meditation ease the mind, and brings the youth..." ...my Middle Morning Affirmation. (...if I could over that hump/maybe I will feel better) Blessings & Besitos! ♥

Most High just whispered to me: You aren't here to adore these men, to give affections and sensualties, to be theirs. Just to be There, & take them with you. Your love is a Divine offering. Mami Wata Nurturing & Nourishing. Yemonja Sweetwater. Osun Honey. To be healer, soothesayer, openness & acceptance. Honor & respect. As Sista & Sister; Spirit-Mama & Friend; Comrade & Confidante. only Wife/Queen/Lover to one.♥

"Slowly surely/I walk away from/that old desperate and dazed love/caught up in the maze of love/the crazy craze of love/thought it was good/thought it was real/thought it was but it wasn't love/I just don't know/Where i should go/So/Slowly surely/I walk away from/self-serving/undeserving/constantly hurting me love/deserting me love/you said, I said, we said/but..." ..Midday Evening Affirmation (Breathin easy :)) ♥

To Be a Rubenesque Girl and a Serial Student: A Few Writings I'm Musing

2009-03-10T15:15:00.001-07:00

(Those aren't the titles of the writings, just the premises.)

Just wanna put this out there. Been in my private mind for some time, and I feel a sweetness in sharing as I peruse my thoughts in the moment.

I want to write two prose joints. Two manifestos. Two offerings. Shall they become books or elongated essays, I dig to share my word on being a Fat Girl and an on/off Student (since 97, with no BA to speak of to date). I've experienced sizeism, ageism, sexism, racism under the facets of both. Yet, THEY ARE NOT MY EXPERIENCE.

Fact is, I started a chubby girl and became A Big Woman cuz gyros and Chicken Makhni tastes good. Mama said I was a greedy baby, to start (though born a little too small to take home lol). Plus, I've continuously extremely enjoyed sedentary activities -- reading, writing, coloring, painting, vibing music, photography, open wide, endless conversation, research, cultural anthropology, wine tasting, coffee connossieuring. Lol! So much is being added to this daily.

I have no sob story to tell of how I got where I been and am at today. I am on a journey to raising my wholistic health quota in a myriad of ways, and weight loss & resistance (strength training) are a deep part of it. Weight loss is on a vain level now, as I been coming down, but want my body matching my Spirit. Like ol' boy says on American Beauty -- "I wanna look good naked." Love it.

Same for my college career. I never ONCE used academia as my tool to further my life materially, economically, or otherwise. I loved the instant and continuous access to information, schools of thought, ways of life, opposite paths, minds, souls, hearts, cultures, religions, societies...through the guise of different people, orgs and so on. Not to mention books, books, books! :D I've ENJOYED academia in every single pursuit I could in its still way too damn exclusive and elitist world. I gave a fuck about grades and advancement -- and still don't, except to say Imma go for the gold stars just to keep it moving in higher places, get all I need to become "official" in academia. Spend my life teaching my own way afterwards...nahmean?

Sure, I had it in my mind to eventually earn degrees, but it was never a priority. Now I desire to complete a BA, MFA and PhD so I can do things I want to do as an authority in this society, in particular and to begin with. I seek to earn most of my life as an Educator..but being a Renaissance Woman, this will expand in a myriad of pathways of course. ;)

As I earn my keep in the academic world, I want to speak to present and future students on all levels of study, about my greatness (deeper than any success) and how they too can reach for theirs...because of where I been and how I rose to many occasions and became the illustriously radiant Light I am today. :D That would be the purpose of a written work bout my journey.

WE ARE ALL LUMINARIES LOOKING TO SHINE. And shine we do, fam. Welcome to my personal constellation. ;)

Love yall!

Bandele

2009-02-14T10:30:00.000-08:00

our beautiful melody became wildly staccato. --Jill Scott

i feel even more compelled
to write this poem in this moment
even more after our separation
because my choices to do without you
do not erase the beauty i saw in you
to begin with.
i wanted to love you
to like you
to know you
to give you everything in me
every growth & evolvement
every time & space
i wanted to carry & birth more of your children
i wanted to be your wife
your anointed queen
divorce never being an option
but first, i wanted to be more to you
desired a thorough friendship before we could be more
to each other
i needed, wanted you to know could we share love & respect
happiness for one another
even if not with each other
unconditional
without condition
a giving so selfless and beyond ourselves
i chose to leave our momentary romances for my own health
my first responsibility being to me
our communication would go awry
and what seems so simple, becomes complex
so easy, becomes difficult
too much unsaid & untold
left untouched & unhealed
broken in this silence we don't acknowledge
to not bruise egos or hurt feelings
that's not friendship
and no matter how much i adore you
i won't live like that
usually wouldn't change my love for anyone
but now, I must be indifferent
to let go/be free of this pained cycle
maybe one day, relearn to love you
and be the friends we haven't been
in this moment, i hope you're hearing me.

February 13, 2009

(Oddly enough, Black Love Day.)

newness.

2009-01-23T15:39:00.001-08:00

you inspire me to create a new form of poetry
something more liberated than freeverse
because/ i don't seek to contain you

my new friend

not tryna label our thing
before the kindred we share
has a chance to grow
before/our newness manifests sweetness
with every kiss
every kind word
every mindful gesture you bring

this affection surrenders any walls
we can put up to protect love's we both desire
yet walk a slow walk
to ensure this connection ain't clouded
by heartache & wrong-doings experienced
before we existed to each other.

beaming sun, you make my moon rise

and i refuse to let this freshness go
for you/or me
i'll only allow our growing love to roam
free
for it is destined to return
as you do each day
to our thing
making me mo' better.

love
come
down
on
me
/hard.

mmmmm newness

aaaaah newness

yes
newness...

12.27.08

so i'm letting this love go/and now he isn't a friend.either (and i'm euphoric)

2008-12-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

Well family, I'm in such a new place. I reconnected with this man, and felt so strong about EVERYTHING. was even willing to call the future.

but the past 3 weeks have been full of highs and lows. some very low lows. i'd spend too many moments in pain, hurting by his behavior. he felt justified to be distant, apprehensive, not as close because before i'd feel so strong and leave the romantic relation. this happened several times. with good reason, far as i'm concerned. i completely understand his need for that (for him i understood), but i also know i did that choosing my happiness and sanity over anything i could have with him.

i kept overlooking so much that hurt me or just didn't add to my happiness. i didn't even look deeper this time, choosing to be committed no matter what. really? are you really doing that??? i asked myself over this weekend. i was giving us space, but you know whats right and true the instant its spoken in you. i just no longer wanted to be unhappy in any way just to have him.

so i emailed him just now. in the truest spirit of friendship and understanding. and realness for us both. and he didn't even read it, he said. said it was unnecessary. just told me to take care. might as well have slapped me in the face. it was as if he didn't really care about me or my actual happiness, just what was good for him. i thought we were bigger and better than that. true friends...but i guess that was just on my end... but here' s the kicker family....

after the first few days of following my heart and approaching him, and him following suit with me.....he said he didn't want to go back into it, lets just be friends. i was instantly devastated and fought for him. and kept going really strong with it, talking of our future and all that. which is wrong, to me. because we only have THE NOW. i want to love anyone i love for as long as i am allowed to.....and when that love is done, it's done. and i'm cool with that.

and i just realized he didn't even ATTEMPT to fight for me...and has the audacity to come at me this way even though that's ALL i been doing since reconnecting with him??? wow.. that's says so much about the relationship, and what i gave no attention to. for love. wow. i gotta process that for a minute. lol.

well we had some beautiful moments....and then it would go to a hurtful place for me. with his sometimey distance and lack of letting me in. i won't live like that for ANYONE. i don't care how much i love you ....my first responsibility is to ME. i know that so much more in my present days. so i felt, he was right....friendship is best for us. *shrug*

now...i am pretty sure he's going to color me bad, going to make this about what i've done to him, maybe not ever speak to me again, or be hateful. and the people i've become cool with who adore him so may come to hate me or leave me too, i don't know. but i'm ready for all that, because i feel euphoric having followed my heart and seen what could have been instead of wondering for life.

i don't seek to bring him down, just to tell the truth of whats happening in my life. but of all the issues he's had, of the things he's said (sisters in my life have read some of these things, and truly thought i should dropkick him back then LOL) and all that i've accepted because i felt i had to for this love i feel, its a real trip to me i've gone the five years we've known each other taking so much and making it beautiful when it was its ugliest.

thats what love can do....make you blind.

well, i'm slowly surely walking away from this love. it was a long lasting and grand thing at moments. other times, just an extra emotion hanging over me. asking questions like: did i give us a true chance? am i doing the right thing not being in his life, not having him in mine -- no matter whats been? no matter what you've seen and noticed about him? so i went after those questions; and received my answer the world over. and i regret NOTHING. not the blogs i wrote in my happiness in excitement, not the poetry he inspired, no my professes of loving him and committing myself to him. it all had its time, and was very true for me. i love i felt and experienced all of it. and, you know, the pain too.

but alas, its over. its done. everything. the connection. the tie. and not because i say so....but i see its best. there is no love to share when the other person isn't selfless enough to care if you're actually alright...even if its not with Them. (though, remembering his email on being friends, he mentioned me meeting someone good for me in the future...and now is acting like i'm betraying him......once again.....wow lol)

i feel so good family because i went there. and now i'm here. in a beautiful place of knowing my treasure, my worth, my gifts, my everything divine, righteous and beautiful. and not accepting anything less than Everything i absolutely want in this life in Love.

amen-ase. xoxo,
nequa

in a khepera mood...

2008-12-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

this poem be continuous
be a free flow of no thinkin
just feelin
just bein
just wildin
feelin the soulchile in me
he sends me there
a child of the blues
a daughter of jazz
a goddess of light
a queen of divinity
he
keeps
the
secret
to my
sanity/when
life is too much
to breath
in and out

and i dig that.

my man
my king
my warrior
my sweetness
my love
my future
my husband
my one
my only
my cipher
my lust
my desire
my need
my sensuality
my open wide
my tender
my intimate
my wake up to
my absoulte everything

and then some.

i come to know him
to celebrate this life
in his arms
and his arms alone

he me
me he
us is we

forever and always
an ebb and flow
of infinity

so this
is making
...love.

for them. (my mellow, my men)

2008-12-04T12:29:00.001-08:00

so.

i've put you in this place

expected you to take it

and for that, i am sorry

you are not a prototype

a greatness left to straddle anyones pedastal

you are not the love of my life

or any significant role in between

you are who you are meant to be

exclusively precious male principles

i am blessed to experience

and cherish

be cherished by

as i move on.

i've made you the epitome

of jill scott poetry

and isley brother songs

when really

you were only a melody i played in my head

only a fantasy to hold me until my man comes

(and he's still not here)

for all of that, i truly apologize

because you've meant more

been less frustrating

and even more less disappointing

being your own human selves

doing your best as you fight

your devils every average day

i pray for you

and the queens that love you

one day, the woman you long for

will be more than a yearning

to fill your jeans with stiffness

and for that, i am thankful

as you are so deserving.

morning coffee (swallow)

2008-12-04T12:28:00.001-08:00

saturday, 8am

a hot cup of medium strong

French Roast

inspires me to swoon

i hum a little melody

for the touch of Amaretto I stir in slowly

warmth births a nostalgic moment

when I merely wanted you

and you had no idea of my existence

I've spent years fantasizing

this moment/alone i sit

with these thoughts/contemplate these

dreams/and introspect

how divine i believed you to be

you and i

to be

then you called

that one night

and things been fucked up since

only

i hadn't realized til this morning

against the dark sweetness

of my medium strength

French Roast

the fresh aroma clouding me

like my enchantment for your

old black magic

my throat enjoys this nectars smooth ride

laced with my deep desire

to free you

(now go)

Prodigal Daughter

2008-12-04T12:27:00.002-08:00

forever i passionately search my soul

seek my spirituality in high places

and low ground

in each journey i find myself

HOME

where i belong

need to be

with my Mother

with my Fathers

with my Love

with every blessing ever gifted unto me

i find my way back

HOME

where i am forever welcome

wanted

needed

even if solely unto myself

cherished

nourished

chastised

cultivated

hugged

kissed

coddled

praised

fussed with (and at)

hoped for

dreamed of (and for)

where i need not search any longer

HOME

held by my Mother

protected by my Fathers

nestled by my Love

with angels

glorious music

and God

blessing me til

my cup runneth over.

AMEN and AMEN.

The Woman Poet

2008-12-04T12:27:00.001-08:00

She speaks.

hear the clever voice

of the Woman Poet

with mere words this powerful artist

reveals all that is unseen

by naked eyes

while the mildly curious feign interest

and receive life lessons

in stanzas.

her sight absorbs thought

like infinite streams of intellect

her third eye is gifted with clairvoyance

so the truth rarely escapes her

in her presence, be silent

leave room to sanctum her mind

for always, there is more to learn.

parameters

2008-12-04T12:26:00.001-08:00

my soul tends to expand

the moment i educate my essence

through art/poetry/& culture

my mind is fed insipidly

cultivating knowledge beyond simple comprehension

and any missives women are expected to love

i find myself growing

my spirit is tall

and my eyes are tortured

by the radiance

of my own luminosity

this is not conceit

nor arrogance

just pure revelation...

youcantboxmein.

streamofconscious -- before i love him

2008-12-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

the poetry of my mind finds its way to paper through the ink of this eternal pen once i find the words my thoughts end and incessant speech begins like the water an endless flow of soul communion in my heart i am not sure i love you or simply desire rapid intimacy i want you to mean everything to me but need a friend are you open for change

Quintessential

2008-12-04T12:24:00.001-08:00

Relentlessly, I submit to revolution...

I want a truth
a reality
a sensitive and open wide
continuous constance/a measureless permanence
I want a speakeasy conversation
a train of thought
whose easy on my mind
a soul kissing
spirit flexing
mind flipping/body healer
a capsulating romance/timeless seduction
of incessant passion
an infinite lovemaking
a love/story written to mindblowing jazz symphonies
with an endless end

..but hold the roses/candy/and other confectionary confessions

I want wild orgasms
of biblical proportions
a hardworking endurance
perseverance
a struggle to progress
a devil-fighting purveyor
of genuine emotions and
knowledge of self
I want committed
courageous
cool calm collected (at times, not)
sometimes strong
sometimes weak
a submitting to the Most High
yet boundless in spiritual yearning
I want love/desire/and need
a letting go/while tightly holding me
a sincere
serious
truthspeaking, truthtelling
creative communal intellecual
truism.

A complete man without limits
in my life/sharing my bed.

cynequa marie
december 18, 2006

Kindred Spirit

2008-12-04T12:23:00.001-08:00

beyond the great winds of change
lies my kindred
you/my beloved
suspended in the atmosphere
of blind illusion
are realer than truth
one i cannot deny
patiently, i await you
you will find me
you will nurture me/grow me/know me
cherish my wholeness
i will devote my love to you/completely
and our lives will be better for it

--12/29/06

To Struggle

2008-12-04T12:22:00.001-08:00

struggle..

i thank you for the tenacious hardship

of this concrete jungle/

from it ascends the jasmine

blowing in my mind...

--1/3/07

the enlightened are sexy too (bravebird flyin free in her sutra)

2008-12-04T12:20:00.001-08:00

lol. i know imma hear & receive some interested words for this one.

i been thinking bout this for the past 3 years. the way the ethereally intuned with self are boxed in. those who passionately seek & practice their spirituality. who live in true self-awareness and divine consciousness. folk act like we don't fantasize, f*ck, make love, can get downright raunchy with the best of em. i'm just saying... we can and do go there too. but are made to feel wrong, as if sex was only meant for the wicked and evil. sex is not nasty.. but what folks do for that orgasm can be, i guess. lol!

we erotic. sensual. sexual. and quite thorough with every pleasure associated with each. how dare we be typecast as "not allowed or unable" to explore the possibilities of our sutras.

please, i beg to be knocked off my pedastal.. cuz i do my thing, alright? lol. and thats whatever my thing be..

although, i have had one tripped out issue, yet not bothered by it...... some of the most beautiful and honorable brothers, who feigned righteousness, regality, nobility and respect... these enlightened brothers... are the very ones who have Exclusively used a sister for his vocal/aural (phone) sexual gratification. i hear its my soft, sweet sensuous voice. it being all mellow and what not. me spitting lyricism and what not. i don't even hafto Try to be sexy with it.. and it comes off that way (my sister & nana once told me lol)! but its cool...

see...... we'd be on the phone.. and i just be speaking....and i talk alot...then before you know it, he's all quiet... then i hear the steamy breathing.....i ask whats up (cuz its not always goin down like that)....and he either nervously giggles or gets all self-righteous on some not able to help that shit. "ooooh, what you do to me." instead of getting upset, i partake in the experience. hell, even started to invite it. just to explore my own thoughts, fantasies and how far am i willing to go for my pleasure. i surprise myself with what i learn, and yet.. it all feels so natural to my essence.

i'm just wilding from my many late night, early morn, middle of afternoon memories. the sweet sensuality of nostalgia.

be a beautiful day yall. *seductive grin*

auset speaks: master plan (a kweli inspiration)

2008-12-04T12:19:00.000-08:00

MASTER PLAN
(inspired by Talib Kweli)

across the globe

my people know

the suffering of struggle

our generation is a continuation

of slow progression

our nation is hungry for liberation

and we have only begun to fight.

ONE MIND

ONE LOVE

ONE ACTION

ONE GOD

blessing us with the miracle

of one movement

our foot soldiers are brave warriors

willing to die for the cause

of Black People rising towards sovereignty.

we are an army of resistance

keeping blindness at a distance

and Self-determination consistent

as we sing redemption songs

to our Ancestors drums

feeling the Nubia/Kush/Khamit spirit

pulsating through the universe

the beautiful blood of the Motherland

coursing through our veins

MY PEOPLE RISE

to cultivate the strength of the Original Man

resting deep in our core

we've fought the battle/lets conquer the war

conjure the fortitude of our ancient family

keeping their humanity through

The Middle Passage

Jim Crow

Nonstop Police Brutality

and cease our children being raised in slave mentality.

AFRIKA CRIES OUT

and as Her child born away from home

I'm ready to shout my battlecry

We all must be a footprint in the sand

Every single Black child woman and man

Grab a hold of each other/take a soul by the hand

We're marching into Zion

With Freedom as our master plan.

ASE.

queen cynequa marie
autumn 2005

auset speaks: untitled resistance

2008-12-04T12:18:00.000-08:00

Untitled Resistance

Revolution means change
And a hero ain't nothing but a sandwich
So, Imma cease searching for a manmade messiah
Why wait for a carnal savior
When I can liberate myself?
I am my own place of power
My own plethora of wealth
Imma sister on a mission
So in our movement
I begin with self
Taking one step toward the next
In search of progress
Oh yes, this beautiful struggle is my life
So some days you may find me crying inside
Cuz we're seepin evil into our veins
No need for the tambourine man
we play the song betta than he do anyway

I wanna do all I can to heal this pain
These unspeakable blues
I gotta keep movin/blues fallin down like haze…
Because formidable minds are paying the price
For our foolishness
And why must our future die from the stale air
Of our dead end movements???
Once upon a time, our ancestors were traumatized
Our elders burglarized of their birthright
To respect & dignity/and now
We just give it away.

Need that knowledge of self determination
Need to understand
We put the hue in Hue-Man
And take our place.
Start demanding fresh foods/clean water
Air our babies can breathe
Consume only that which feeds your temple holistically
Deny falling prey to the disparity
And depression of not meeting
Insurmountable demands
Remember, this system was not built
For your success
Revolt this systemic supremacy
Later for that bullshit oppression

Sons & Daughters of the Diaspora
Brothers & Sisters of this Struggle
Each time I look into your eyes
I learn/Black is beautiful
Because we a strooooooong people
The only way WE win is walking this path together We gotta…
Refuse anything that's unnatural
Resist unhealthy living/practice self-control
Remove anything that doesn't keep us all togetha
Yall might say its all good/but I'm tryna make it all betta.

auset speaks: womb amnesia

2008-12-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

WOMB AMNESIA
(dedicated to my beloved Mama)

We seem to have forgotten

who the mother is

who brought our asses forth

The Womb

The Mind

The very school of thought we're nurtured through

Every sound She makes

is very Green in Blue/with absolute love.

We seem to have forgotten

the warm smile and soft bosom

the poetry of Her lullaby

as we fall to slumber

the protective arm/saving us

from falling prey to dead end forces

the first reasoning voice

first beloved, first sign of life

on other planes

where rebirth is possible & infinite

the only unconditional love

and vibe to the Universe

on Planet Earth

She

keeps us on our axis/and reminds us

of our strength

From birth to death/She is holding us

tight, as Her baby.

And yet we've forgotten Her

lost sight of the Divine Vision

the Mother is/the first Beautiful

we receive after leaving God.

Our light in the darkness…

I see you, Mama

Brighter than before

My sweetest delight/greatest first fight to be better

My first friend/my Beginning to no end

My Truth Peace Growth

FOREVER.

patiently awaiting the king offering me exactly this completely...

2008-12-04T12:12:00.000-08:00

Can I Talk To You (Lil Darlin') by Talib Kweli (feat. Bilal)


I want you, cuz you make my heart skip the beat that I drum to
I want to be the one you run to, when pain confronts you
You're everything, sometimes I get nervous when I'm in front you
You can hear it in my voice when I ask you if you comfortable
Look how love do, I'd practice the Art of War for you like Sun Tzu
Come through and arouse you every morning like the sun do
If you blackout and collapse I want to help you to come to
Notice I haven't yet got into what I want from you
I want you to come to when I come through and make you shine like the sun do
I want you to be the valley for my river to run through
You're everything, you send your soul through your lips to my heart
Sweet music will start I want you to be the music of my art
When people try to rip us apart we got to work to stay together
Go through the seasons of love and never change with the weather
This is my wish list, what I want not what I need there's a difference
These days I'm learning that words got power so I'ma be specific

Can I have a talk with you?
Can I make a dream come true?
Can I be in love with you?
Cuz I would if I could

Yeah sunflower
You must live in the infinite blackness that exists when I close my eyes
I see you when I fall asleep, I see you when I dream


Lil' darlin'
Set your soul on fire (lil' darlin')
Be your one desire (lil' darlin')
Lil' darlin'
Can I talk to you? (lil' darlin')
Lil' darlin', lil' darlin'
Can I talk? (lil' darlin')
Can I talk, can I talk, can I?
Lil' darlin' (lil' darlin')
Can I talk to you? (lil' darlin')
Let him talk to you
Set your soul on fire

self-affirmation

2008-12-04T12:10:00.000-08:00

Revolution begins with one.

If you want to make a change in this world, in your life, start by looking in the mirror.

God makes each and every individual, perfect as you are.

One is the magic number.

this is how i prayed to God & our Universe for my Husband

2008-12-04T12:07:00.001-08:00

divine mate. king. life partner. best friend. only other half. he's finding me. how i know? cuz as i prayed and ancestors & nem of the spirit world lemme know. sit still. just be still. let him come.

he will complete my path, my journey, my life, my love, my way. i know i will receive argument, flack, etc. about the idea of my man completing me and not just complementing me.... but the fact is.. this is about conjoining LIVES. entire Beings of Existence. if we were so satisfied in our lonesome, why mate (especially monogamously) at all? our beloveds must bring something major to us in order to commit as deeply and sacredly as we do. so i truthfully, widely & extreme-strongly feel. he will most def complete my cipher. and be the most paramount blessing to my innermost lovespace within. i am more than cool, okay & alright with that. (big warm feelgood smile)

this is what i said....

Infinite All/Most High/Creator
i want a man
who is there
wants to be there
who participates
in an all consuming
most inconvenient
won't live life without
each other
love
who co-writes our life story
in complete romance
who shares his love in manysmall actions
throughout the day
paying attention to detail
each day we are together
cuz its not about forever
but understanding today
is all we truly have
this second
this minute
this hour
this moment
a man who understand we are first & foremost
friends
who continuously strives
to mindfully maintain our commitment
through spiritual cultivation
& soulful nurturing
who looks deeply in my eyes
thinks with his heart
and speaks directly to mine
a man who seeks & finds
me
sleeps close in my bed
and holds me til i'm awake
onlyto gently, softly, sweetly kiss my forehead
and hand me a cup of my favorite coffee
who will see me as i am
and listen
really listen
who talks to me
communes with me
shares a bond in thinking of one another
reaching out to feel one another
closer
who mutually leads me
and is lead by me
recognising his strength is not compromised
by submission
who cares for my body
and embraces my figure (be it size 8 or 28, ha!)
because such a limited thing does not matter
not in our loving
whose chest i bury my head into
to feel good & betta
whose body i lean against i winter
standing in lines
preparing our dinner
washing dishes
browsing bookstores & libraries
whose hand holds mine
as we listen to music
watch films
or enjoy late night tv
whose face i caress during
his late night truthseeking
buried deep in knowledge & wisdom
in printed/written word
or spoken through elders on wax
as i hand him warm, sweet tea
who shares my breath of life
through luscious kissing
whenever
wherever
whatever
and makes love when the mood strikes
(sometimes quickes are even okay)
a man who prays with me
and blesses our table before we feast
who learns me to know me
sees the God in me
and embraces Her
showing me his full, raw Self
(no window dressing)
i'm not in search of a hero
warrior
saint
revolutionist
savior
artist
thinker
writer
poet
scholar
scientist
breadwinner
or a replica of Malcolm, Martin or Medgar
i want an amalgamation of infinite possibilties
a man who can go anywhere, be anything
yet knows his core and shares Him with me
who thrives in doing the best he can with all he has
and respects
he's the only other half
making me whole.....

apology (for my brotherfriend)

2008-12-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

instead of looking at our history as
what you did in relation
to what i did
i simply take full responsibilty
for my actions alone
for that is all i am
in control of
can change
and i have.

so for pain i have caused you
i truly am sorry
regardless of intentions
you were hurt
and i hurt you
in keeping spiritual balance
i must apologize
ask your forgiveness
receive it
and honor it

all of which, i do.
as you well know. (smile)

blessings of love & peace within. ase.

auset speaks: poem for the pain

2008-12-04T12:01:00.002-08:00

i often look for your mouth
to form a vowel sound or a sigh
of indication
to let me know where
our thing stands

where i fit into
all of this
for you

but its more often your silence
saying it all
and i play deaf/to keep me softened to you
but reality corners my moistened heart
forming frost around its edges
so my glorifying, blurry vision is balanced
by the clarity of your
distance.

-- March 1, 2007

auset speaks: "hinder" (a he wasn't listenin poem)

2008-12-04T12:01:00.001-08:00

I im'ed him
to begin one of
our most paramount conversations
re: the growth & change
of our relationship.
While my heart ached
I poured the muck & mire
filling the crevice of my soul
through a cold keyboard
and in teh midst of my fearful revelations
all he could muster in response
was a spelling correction
of one word.
To soften his unsighted blow
of ignorance & obliviousness
he posted an animated smiling face
as if our discussion
were that simple.
This alone clarified for me
his interest & investment in our future
had long dissipated.

Sometimes I think
I'm my own worst enemy
cuz I set myself up for this shit
every
single
time.

March 6, 2007

auset speaks: for the little girl in me

2008-12-04T12:00:00.003-08:00

from Finding Fish to finding me...

who will cry for the little girl

whose been told she's too big
to be beautiful
whose known lonliness
better than the taste of her own tongue
whose heartbroken wounds
heal with jagged edges/aching
to be smoothed by respect and affirmation

who will cry for the little girl

with her heart & soul
fragile as an autumn/red leaf fresh-fallen to the ground
whose salty tears incessantly warm her love
when facing sharp rejection
whose strength multiplies
through the madness of cruelty & ridicule

her spirit wakes to understand
why God has chosen such pain
to be her purpose/yet
she learns from it;
each dawn, she looks toward the Sun
just to see

who will cry for the little girl

...in me.

auset speaks: untitled (honestly)

2008-12-04T12:00:00.001-08:00

this is not for a romantic ending
for the ceasefire of an eternal flame
or because i miss you
no
this is for the heartbreaking disappointment
of our loss
of you and i
of us
of what you no longer desire
no matter how far i reach to touch the most tender
parts of you, as i once did
you don't reach back.
now
you push me off
you ignore my presence in the room
acknowledge only what gratifies
your otherwise deadened ego

so much for friendship

though i've come to terms with this
being more your loss than my own
our truth hurts
i feel silly when i miss you
when i need you
when i don't wish we never met
when i cry over the growing pains
when you don't look in my eyes
when you're not here to make it betta
when i wait for your call
when i pray to understand
where the intimacy changed
and when my love became less than paramount,
when we both breathed a high off this shared affinity

when i ask God
where, how, what for
did i lose
you.

as ridiculous as i feel
i'd feel worse trying to deny my melancholy
you bring out the worst in me
but concealed wounds never heal

its come down to you or me
i need to let you go
and have yet to know how
don't even know how to end this poem

so i begin again
with oxymoronic words
only your muse inspires...

fuck you...i love you.

auset speaks: epiphany of my atmosphere

2008-12-04T11:58:00.001-08:00

musing/meditating/magnifying

my mission to move

more than poetry in motion/I feel like peace

in a dance

in my trance

my soul's in solitude/within the crowd

a quiet space where butterfly wings

sing

in fused colors/and summer is soft

as the noon sun rests

on my mind

without beating my brow

and the breeze carries percussion tunes

in tuned to the natural, rhythmic boom bip

of my eardrums

I hear the sounds as a dancer dancing

to no music

leaps & bounds in silence

only my mind's thought-melody

to keep me company

with all this/I revel in ironic nuance

chaos

standing

still….

Queen Cynequa Marie Sain

April 19, 2007

Peace and blessings manifest...

2008-12-04T11:57:00.001-08:00

Here I am. Been locked in a ’lost soul mood’. Assuming I have failed myself, my family. Losing sight of my Purpose. As if everything that has happened hasn’t happened to fulfill my Purpose. It is not a one-time, this is my calling, thing. Its a series of life events you experience in the current life you’re living.

In school. Forced to leave school, running out of viable finanicial aid...having been a co-ed off/on for the past ten years. Little sister lets fam know she’s giving birth. Soon asks me to come out and care of her daughter as she works her work for the military. Of course I go.

I am beyond blessed to be here. I am thriving, though it isn’t always clear to me. Babygirl reminds me in her laugh, hand holding my finger, her all-around preciousness. The nectar of a childs love is sweeter than any God has created for us.

..with every lesson learned. I receive more than I can ever perceive in each one.

One Love.

The Lotus Within

2008-12-04T11:56:00.001-08:00

petals open wider
soft sweet whet with appetite
for more
for thickness
for deeper
for richer
for nicer
reaching for higher
and taking every dewdrop in
opening
for more
i hear the music wrapping new streams of sound
to my silence
She plants a new seed for every open pore
in my supple skin
Mama Earth befriends me so divinely
this love is so decadent
i cannot be selfish with Her
i share the water through the Sista Wit
i grow from rich soil and plentiful root
Sprit
Soul
Mind
Heart
Body
all in sync with God in Me
you feel her?
you see her?
she walking with you
crying with you
dancing with you
furrowing her brown too
on the same mission
from beginning
may this journey
never
ever
end.
release. ommmmmmm. release

We all vessels, reflections, representations, blessings, true gifts from the Infinite...

2008-12-04T11:54:00.001-08:00

LISTEN, IF YOU AIN'T LEARNED BY NOW, AND YOU NEED A SUBTLE REMINDER FROM YA SISTREN.... HERE IT IS:

You have something to offer!

If you drive your seeds to school each morning. If you kiss your honey each morning you part, each evening before you sleep. If you read. If you speak. If you open your eyes. If you think. If you rise from your bed after rest. If you walk. If you have hands to touch. If you just be...

You have SOMETHING to offer!

So no more excuses for us butterflies and bravebirds...FLY. Spread your wings and soar on your own song within. Represent the God in you to the FULLEST. Be as happy as you can in this life, for it is a gift of lessons for the next and each is meant to be blessedly enjoyed.

diamond life. golden life. charmed life real life. whatever it be, let it.

rising and moving. i leave all dead weight behind. growing fresh nurturings and nourishments in my soulgarden for the next 2000 seasons.

bless.

Supple kisses to your forehead/for a morsel of your intellect...

2008-12-04T11:53:00.000-08:00

your hands rapture my mind
as you massage my temples
slowly
softly
subtly
with peppermint and eucalyptus oils
healing my thoughts with ease
pleasure desire immeasureable fire
so true, so true
your way is
how you speak without words
and say more in your silence
how our lotus candles burn
but the flames soar higher
when eyes meet

we inspire love to make us

how delicious
how decadent
how down i am
for everything you bring

on your next quest
for enligtenment and direction

...come see me.

i want to love and be loved. thoroughly. deeply. rawly. truly. openly. widely. honestly... (from infinity to infinity)

2008-12-04T11:51:00.000-08:00

eternally.

wholly. wholistically. mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. esoterically. cosmically.

i think thats all of em. allow me space to be poetic first...

this all came to me in a dream. moment between sleep and dreams. where clearly love had been made to my spirit. feeling so full.

as i sip on the moon's fine sweet warm glow, listening to Easy Conversation on repeat. may try Imagination/Crown Royal Suite. puts me in a mood a place.

where i find my heart/mind/soul/spirit/body musing myself a poem in progress. a life lived. walked. danced. sung. soared. wandered and wondered. pondered. shaped. read. written. mused. created. kept sacred. a shared poem in progress. consistenly, slowly, decadently, sensuously, deliciously growing, maturing, refining, evolving itself. this is a 360 love, i muse tonight.

along with Him. my own personal exclusive Him. i can hear him speaking to me. our heartbeat is syncopated. the melody rips through my passion. raptures tears from my temples. ....so this is making love...

i haven't met Him. He remains a sirius mystery. i wait for Him. i am patient. i am willing to only have Him, and Him alone. no one else can fit this. can move this. can hold this. can shake this ....whole lot of woman. womban. more than a King. deeper than a human god. able to nourish and nurture my roots. my flower petals open so wide for his luscious erotica. the way it intoxicates me.

here be the prose moment...

i ain't settling for shit other than everything i want. than what i've spoken. i been a sista, for the past 5 moons, whose gon from lustfully desiring soul/divine/beloved mate to not even wanting to touch commitment. and imma virgin yall. in so many ways, i cannot begin to say. i ain't dated. been kissed once. never in love, never sharing space with a man. have been touched, spiritually and physically.
ain't had no boyfriends. no man thats mine. i've wished, mused, desired of the men i've met online. a few offline. so very few.

tonight tho. in the dead of night. i have this epiphany. just dont settle for less than what you want. not only deserve. not only need. what i truly desire in love. in togetherness. in exclusive. in forever.

whoever He is, He gon be so free. so damn liberated. so open. wholistically open wide and true to self. ready. willing. able. what i'm doing and not doing won't be a matter of concern, cuz He knows me. my heart. my thinking. my Way. He digs it so. He searches to bask in its glow, and feel its divine presence. My Male Principle. Mm... i do wonder where God/dess gon take this. because He exists. He lives. He moves. He is.

we gon share Merlot as we kiss. we gon make love without touching. we gon be so open wide, the blossoming of my lotus will be so full, the bud will seem to never existed. fullness. completion that grows. because while we feel so done and ready to just be... more will come. in love. in understanding. in learning. teaching. accepting. pushing. pulling. supporting. keeping. honing. wanting. giving. receiving. knowing. without many words spoken. just 3rd eye to 3rd eye.

i know He is writing this. praying our prayer too.

and i refuse to settle. to have anything but. that makes me so selfish, and i dont give a damn.

how righteous of me (laughing from my gut, as i feel myself on this one). :)

inhale balance exhale ohm

No matter how Beautiful this Woman, you only see a Fat Girl. (circa 8/24/08)

2008-12-04T11:49:00.000-08:00

i love Black Men. my Brothers. they are my Kindreds. my Divine Mates. i only see loving, holding, nurturing, nourishing, respecting, learning from, teaching, and everythinging else them alone.

yet, as much as i am called, referred to as, even treated as a Queen, Goddess, Empress, Divine Being, Reflection of the Sun, the Moon, the Light, poetry in motion, all kinds of beautiful goodness personified...I am not taken seriously as a Woman to be connected to that Man.

so few have appreciated me in full, and even those who have, their graces have fallen. for them though, looks weren't an issue. yet for far too many, it has been. i hear thats just the way of this world. just how it is. how real that is. its such bullshit to me though. because a real man, a good man, a God-gifted man will walk with you through any journey. be helpful, not critical. be available through all changes and wanting everything i want for me. so it breaks my heart to realize the most loving hearts, the most beautiful minds, the most righteous spirits won't see Me. they'll only see the extra weight my body has made. not everything i am, which surpasses it.

i remember praying for exactly what i wanted and needed the moment i watched 'Why Did I Get Married?' and Sheila cry tears of rememberance and joy of going from a man who didn't care about one part of her to having a man who's really got her back, as God has his, you know what i mean?

thats what i want. what i need. if i am to be One with anyone. if i am to be committed so eternally. so shall it be. so shall it be.

in the meantime, i live, learn, love and grow even more into this oh so Beautiful Woman.

ase.

I am only a Vessel. I belong to Most High & The People. I can’t/don’t seek fame...

2008-12-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

My voice, my artistry, my creativity, my Poem, my Song, my Prose... are all gifts from the Most High. I am Her/His vessel. What I offer does not come from me; and is meant for you, you, you, you, you and you too. I know its Divine Spirit, because it comes through me like wind and leaves just as smoothly. I can only commit it to pen and paper. Its wild and beautiful and amazing and a life-altering experience. I don't fear one drop of it.

None of it is for me. Not for accolade or kudo. Not for any reward; but that of affecting lives in every way allowing growth, progress, comeuppance and so forth. So if I ever am on a worldwide, global, international stage. If any mass of people are ever that interested in anything I'm bringing ... I don't care for that Grammy, or any award thereof. Not my focus or direction...what is my sound, word, being doing for YOU?

Besides this, so many other Sisters in my cypher and world are doing their thang as Artists, and inspire my full support and advocacy for all their bringing. I see my sis, Adaora Bandele and Legacy Leonard and Chante and too many others crossing my path becoming household names. They make moves, they seek being out there and sharing as much of Self as Creatress as possible.

Me? Its just not about me. Has nothing to with me whatsoever. I just pray to inspire others to bring themselves out. I pray the Youth are inspired to not only reach for stars, but command those stars to fall to them. I pray pray pray to inspire and influence Love of all kinds. To bring folk together.

As an Artist, as an Activist... I seek to be the change I want to see in the world. To be of service to the People, is my truest calling.

bless.

khepera revelation four: be happy for me because EYE love me.

2008-11-27T21:19:00.000-08:00

in the dead of night/in the rawest emotions/in abysmal hopelessness/in the deepest confusion of who you are....REPEAT THE FOLLOWING:

I alone encompass all my happiness.
I alone am responsible for my happiness.
No one else can provide my happiness like I can.

a beautiful and sweet sister of mine gave me the most precious regards & love for this love i done mentioned a few times. and as beautiful as her sentiment, it had me thinking.

thank you for being happy for me, but be happy because I'M loving me so. because i've grown to know my plethora of wealth within. because i know i hold the keys to my very own secret garden. and knowing how sacred, divine, precious and rare it is, only i alone have the power to say who is privy to it. because i am adoring, cherishing, respecting, honoring, and keeping me.

too many of us are not in this place. i see it. hear it. feel it. because on a daily basis, whether we are aware or not, we are feeling the brunt of it. by others tongues. by others actions. by others way of living unto themselves. it is evident in just their eyes sometimes. not knowing their full worth. we must replenish in ourselves, then pass it on, darlings!

we all have something to offer. the sooner we know it, the more we'll heal, the better we'll begin to be. so be happy because i have that gift in me. because i know the stock i come from. i know the beauty i am made of. and so much so, i can tell you the beauty i see in you.

i adore a great man in my life. for different reasons, in different ways. but my life's happiness is not weighed on his shoulders. i don't see my life without him in it, though i know quite well this life can go any way. i am most truly blessed to know him and this love in the Now. i see that more now, in this moment i speak to you, than ever. its so clear.

thank you for being here for me, my wonderful friends. but remember -- whoever you are, love yourself, then we can begin to love each other.

blessings xoxo,
nequa

khepera revelation three: take no moment for granted; no love either.

2008-11-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

so this love i'm writing about. yes, it is beautiful. and shared. and something built upon for some years now. but it is also fragile. just as vulnerable to being lost to us as our lives are to death. i am more aware of this now, having grown, matured and refined as a woman. as a lover. as a keeper of truth.

so for not one moment do i take us for granted. above all things, we are friends. he is one of my best. so i treat this with the same sanctity i treat every friendship. we are kindred. connected. and all of that must be handled with great care. we must remember, just because a great love is and we are living in it, it does not mean we can take it for granted. cannot assume it will always be there, always be what the both of us want.

so i look to treat it with the utmost respect. honor it with my presence and gratitude. to the Creator. to him. to my own heart, mind and soul knowing the gift i am blessed with and having the fortitude to treat it as such.

whatever may come, whatever may be. i know i love him so. he has my heart. and if there was ever a day he wasn't sure he wanted it, or decided he didn't . i'll fight for us....but i'd relent to his happiness, and seek to salve my own. because that is Love. that is it's richness. that is its gift. selflessness. humility. minfulness. sacrifice. giving. with all you have.

The Vision (It's So Clear)

2008-11-26T17:31:00.002-08:00

our minds awaken
our bodies rise
sun rays fell upon your face/like
wings/opening wide
to take flight
like/a new horizon set before us

this is how our days begin
how our we/began

you gently united our auras
an alignment of stars
lit a new flame
in our twin essence
sultry
seething
supreme
a sight to behold
and hold me/you did

the ease of your touch
only made my tenderness stronger
no numbness
no softness
no subtlety
only supple decadence

you read me sacred words
from your dead sea scrolls
tehuti and maat met
ausar and auset met
your sun/my moon intertwined
an infinite union
that could not be denied

we succumb
we surrender
we soothe
any invasion of our privacy away
through our minds eyes
through our language
through our third ears
listening strong
to our heartbeat
keeping time/providing a tempo
only our rhythm can dance to

we are one
nothing casual
about this luscious rendezvous

(true story)

When Spirit Breathes

2008-11-26T17:31:00.001-08:00

wind spoke to my skin
three words traveled along my right arm
finding a nestling place in the nook
of my neck.
i felt them rest there
easy
open-ended
with as much meaning
and as little depth
as i gave them.
nothing existed between those three words
and the Spirit/ only my minds eye
and third ear/ listening to their beckoning
the wind tickling my comfort...

'i got you'

i haven't worried about me
/all day.

Coco-Mango

2008-11-26T17:28:00.000-08:00

in the sweet midst of morning
honey dew moistens my temples
offers relaxation and serenity
an elixir for my heart's strength
as i stroll through my days

even the darkest days carry
His light

i feel the essence of this love
the blessing of this kindred
our twin souls tangle in a tango
of spirit, flesh, bone, blood
and heart
the passion pours heavy
slow
luscious
full
sweetly complete

He's my mango honey
golden brown with hints
of deep mahogany
i love the flava
i love the feel
being his yerba mate
brewing rhapsody
all over us

how hot
hot strong
how we

i'm so free/the breeze envies me...

bless.

khepera revelation two: its not that this love is here...it is here for me.

2008-11-24T13:36:00.000-08:00

one sentiment i adored from a tyler perry film was a love, a someone, designed especially for you. to learn. to know. to cherish. to desire. to love. to build with. all that and more.

this love, this man... is here for me. he has been with me. wants to be with me. in any way i let him. in any way i am open to him. he gives me space when its necessary, but is so inherent to be readily available as the need rises.

his Way loving me is a luxury for my whole being.

and to know, The Most High has trusted me with this complete blessing....i am sometimes speechless.
i am in love with an have total faith in soulmates. :) (catch my breezy laughter in pure joy and enjoyment...)

amen-ase,
nequa

khepera revelation one: love is not missing, he's been patiently awaiting my acceptance.

2008-11-24T13:34:00.000-08:00

if you are reading this, and have been reading me, remember all those blogs about love, finding love, having love, keeping love. wondering why i haven't found this love.

today, with you, i acknowledge it outside the personal crawlspaces of my mind.

well, this love has been. has lived. has loved me fully. he came into my life a number of years ago, and has patiently stood by me through growth, change, maturity, clarity, realization and revelation. we have become the best of friends and more. so much much more.

i would not allow this love to be, after a first go at it. i thought i could put it in a safe place to understand it before i was vulnerable to it again. time, space, distance and differences all play a part in our history. our continuously building foundation.

this is a sacred journey.

we've been walking. alone and together. ebbing and flowing through all things. standing still with us. still standing for us. this sacred journey had come full circle this past thursday. with one honest action from me. to him.

i cannot speak more on it, for it is ours at present. ours alone. to live. to cultivate. to nurture. to nourish. to cherish. to honor. to respect. to adore. to bring our whole selves to. to give space to each other in. to just be in. to learn. to grow. to mature. to refine. to become more. to be more. to have it all. to know we have it all, just being us. even more than all, just being us together.

this is our love.

one i had not realized was always with me, and only realized was so when i felt i had none. never had one. since our first moment, we have had this lasting connection. i fought with it. wanted to not have it at times. then i let it just be. left it where it is so i can go be. in my solitude. in my slow, steady, sure walk to understanding. to feeling. to accepting. to allowing him to love me. to giving him the space in me to be that man for me. the man he chooses, wishes, honors me, loves to be. i can feel that in just the way he asks... are you okay?

there have been others. i must humbly apologize for seemingly wasting your time and adoration for me. and if there ever was any, your love. because you were not it. you were cover ups, hiding places, escape hatches..and some, dead ends. whatever i could get to to get away from the life-encompassing vulnerability this love is. you were fun, you were comfortable...but he is worth more. i say this to be brutally honest.

i'll speak our story later. when it is time to tell. for now, the stillness of my heart, the calm of my soul, the serenity of my mind, the sensuality of my spirit asks me to invite you into this revelation this morning.

my darlings, i love you so. i will say forever into infinity. god blesses us all.

xoxo,
nequa