our beautiful melody became wildly staccato. --Jill Scott
i feel even more compelled
to write this poem in this moment
even more after our separation
because my choices to do without you
do not erase the beauty i saw in you
to begin with.
i wanted to love you
to like you
to know you
to give you everything in me
every growth & evolvement
every time & space
i wanted to carry & birth more of your children
i wanted to be your wife
your anointed queen
divorce never being an option
but first, i wanted to be more to you
desired a thorough friendship before we could be more
to each other
i needed, wanted you to know could we share love & respect
happiness for one another
even if not with each other
unconditional
without condition
a giving so selfless and beyond ourselves
i chose to leave our momentary romances for my own health
my first responsibility being to me
our communication would go awry
and what seems so simple, becomes complex
so easy, becomes difficult
too much unsaid & untold
left untouched & unhealed
broken in this silence we don't acknowledge
to not bruise egos or hurt feelings
that's not friendship
and no matter how much i adore you
i won't live like that
usually wouldn't change my love for anyone
but now, I must be indifferent
to let go/be free of this pained cycle
maybe one day, relearn to love you
and be the friends we haven't been
in this moment, i hope you're hearing me.
February 13, 2009
(Oddly enough, Black Love Day.)
